Wednesday, March 26, 2008

One of those days.

It's just one of those days where I don't want to do anything, not even get dressed. Which is different from the days I have been having where I don't get dressed because I've been out in my yard working and just get too busy to be bothered with getting cleaned up for the day. Today I just don't feel like doing anything.

I've been meaning to post for a couple of days, and share our Easter pictures, but I don't know if I even want to anymore. I worked myself to the bone last week, getting ready for Bracken's family and some friends to come over and share the holiday with us. Well, it wasn't all for that. They were projects that needed to be done--the holiday just gave me a deadline--and I love working in my yard, so really it was an enjoyable week. I thought we had a lovely Easter dinner and a fun Easter egg hunt. Unfortunately, some negative comments have since been made by one of our guests, and it's kind of cast a pall over the whole thing for me.

I know part of my problem is that I've been eating way too much candy (since I foolishly bought more candy than I have self control) and that always makes me feel a bit down (Which is why I'm eating a bag of vegetables as I type). And maybe part of the problem is just post holiday let down. Or Addie not feeling well and not sleeping well, and spitting up a lot again. Or Chloe regressing in her potty training since we returned from Cabo. Or the failsafe excuse of hormones. But really I think my feelings are just very hurt.

I'm trying to let it go and move on, but it keeps eating away at me. I think part of the problem is that I'm just questioning myself on all sorts of levels, and I can't really put it adequately into words. Growing up, I was always known as the "mean one", the one with a temper, the one who knew just the right thing to say to really hurt the other person. I don't want to be that person. I try really hard to control my tongue, to keep an even temper, and to be a peacemaker. Which is really hard to do when the angry part of me wants to retaliate, and keeps thinking of all the hurtful things I could say to try and make myself feel better. The better part of me knows it will be a hollow victory, and the wrong thing to do, so I keep it to myself. Unfortunately, I'm just not a good enough person yet, or a confident enough person yet, to move on without being hurt by it.

I just keep thinking of the phrase ."You don't have to blow my candle out to make yours shine brighter." I know I'm a perfectionist, which makes me crazy (as in drives and causes me to be). I know I have talents, but I don't work to magnify them to make others feel badly. I garden, and create, and decorate because it brings me joy. I try to make my home a welcoming, and hopefully beautiful, place where everyone can be themselves, including me. I guess I'm just at the point where I want to just excuse myself from society and live in my own little bubble where I can be whoever I want to be and not worry about getting my feelings hurt, or hurting the feelings of others. I realize that this is impossible, and there is no solution, and that I will feel better soon, but today it's one of those days. And I know everyone has days like that, and since this is a journal of sorts, I decided to go ahead and write about it.


Missy Jurgens said...

Ruth Irene, I love you and think that you are amazing. I appreciate your talents and that you share them with others. You inspire me to be a better person (but sometimes I'm too lazy to be so) and I'm sorry that you're having a hard time. I think its time for you to review your 30th birthday book and remember how and why so many people love you, cause I sure do.

Katie said...

Oh what Missy says. Sorry it's a not so good day. I love you and think you're great and think that you shouldn't worry anymore about what was said, but if it happens again...let her have it.

LINDSAY said...

I'm so sorry you are having one of those days Ruth--I've had a lot of those lately :) I can kind of relate with you--baby not sleeping well at night, toddler regressing with the potty training, etc
I really think you are AMAZING--I am always telling Matt how I think you are just so talented at EVERYTHING. I wish we lived closer to you guys so you could teach me everything! Then again, right now all I have time for is nursing, changing some diapers, nursing some more, and cleaning up Owen's potty accidents!
I hope things work out okay.

Sandy said...

Oh Ruth, I'm sorry you had one of those "stinky people moments"!! You are truly one of the most talented, creative, fun, NICE people I know (I don't remember you ever being the "mean one"...strong willed, aleck, DEFinately, but not mean!) and since I don't know exactly what happened...I'm just going with the idea that whoever it was is an idiot:) And I didn't get to write anything in your 30th birthday book, so if you want another happy letter, let me know and I'll send you a late 31st birthday one instead;) I'm sure I could dig up a few memories, haha!

I do know what you mean about having everything pile up, though - being tired and frustrated in other areas of life makes it really easy to take a harder hit than you normally would. Hopefully you'll take the time to go dig in the dirt or do something creative, as you do so well, and get some space and perspective (meaning...there are FAR more people who think highly of you than who will make a stink).