Ruth is Tired

This is a note of complaint. If you don't want to hear me complain, feel free to not read it. I just don't want to hear about it if you do.

Ruth is tired

• of not being able to sleep at night, either because a baby won't sleep, or because of the shooting pains up her arms, or because she simply can't sleep.
• of not being able to use her hands, of trying not to cry when she can't undo the snaps on a onesie, or bounce her daughter to sleep one more time, or do any project, or open a jar, or hold a book to read without pain.
• of not being able to see the Orthopedist about fixing her hands because though she has a referral to see him, she needs a nerve conduction study done first, so she had to go see her General Practioner, then had to wait several days to get a referral to a Neurologist, who will need to evaluate her first, then set up another appointment to do the nerve conduction study, after which she will finally (hopefully) be able to see the Orthopedist, and who know how many appointments she will have with him before she has to stop living in fear that she will lose all strength in her hands and drop her baby on the floor.
• of being afraid that all this won't be taken care of this calender year because we've already met our deductable for the year, and who knows what insurance coverage we'll have after that.
• of worrying that another suprise bill, like the one for the hospital stay, may not be covered by said deductable.
• of dealing with the continuing fallout from Bracken being laid off including loss of income, insurance hassles, starting a new career in a horrible market, and the general umbrella of rejection and frustration that hangs over our home.
• of a new job that is not making ends meet, is a somewhat unpleasant work environment, and makes somewhat unreasonable demands on Bracken for somewhat less than fair compensation.
• of wondering why an MBA doesn't come with actual job experience, because no one wants to hire an MBA without prior work experience, and the experience Bracken has is useless in this market.
  
• of feeling the need to bring in additional income for her family, but not liking the options available to do it.
• of trying to figure out why she got a degree in costume design instead of something useful, knowing that no faithful Mormon will get a theater job in this town anymore.
  
• of pretty much all of her family being at least equally, if not more, slammed by this economy. And they are all better people than she is.
• of learning again and again that being a good person does not exempt her from trials, but still thinking if she were a better person, maybe some of these problems would pass her by. And then feeling badly that she's not a better person. And then not caring. Lather, rinse, repeat.
• of knowing it's not truly a sacrifice if it doesn't hurt a little, but still expecting immediate blessings.
  
• of being constantly reminded just how far a small glass of milk can spread.
• of not being able to find any bulb syringes or medicine dispensers because they have been magiced them away somewhere.
• of needing to send children to time out.
• of them touching each other.
• looking at each other.
• thinking about each other.
• of tattlers.
  
• of being a servant. And knowing she's supposed to be a servant. Jesus said so. But she doesn't always want to be a servant-slash-better person. See above.
  
• of staring at the mess accumulating in her home, knowing no one is coming to take care of it for her. Because she is the servant.
• of the food she wants to eat making her fat. And hearing that nursing helps you burn calories. As her behind spreads.
• of not being grateful enough about her blessings to stop the constant worrying about her problems. It's just not that easy.
• of wondering what that smell is, and where is it coming from.
• of trying to hide the junk food that she's eating from her kids.
• of stain removal.
• of sweat.
• of not being able to figure out when to ask for help and if she actually needs it or not, because lots of people can do it on their own, why can't she?
• of herself, and this whining.

The End

For now.

And just so you know, anyone who posts that things will get better, or tries to cheer me up will immediately be added to the list. So there.