Fat

Maggie picked out a shirt to wear the other day, put it on, then announced, with tears, "Mom, I don't want to weow dis.  I look fat in dis."

She's three.  And breaking my heart.  Granted, it was a bulky t-shirt, and not at all feminine, but still.  How can my perfect little girl say such things?

I try so hard to keep my body issues to myself.  On the whole, I feel okay about myself.  Between every baby I've been able to get back down to my pre-baby weight, actually lighter than I was before I got pregnant with Chloe.  Before I had Rosie, though, I joked to allay my fears that child number four was going to ruin me.  I was not wrong.  I was doing okay, but last April, out of nowhere, I suddenly put on 10 pounds in the month, and I have spent the last year trying to get it, and the last of the baby weight, off. 

It has been a rough year.

In January I started attending an exercise class two mornings a week that a fantastic lady teaches for free at the church.  Two days a week I drag myself out of bed at 5:30 and spend an hour doing things that hurt.  A lot.  I have only missed one class this year. I definitely feel healthier and stronger, and when I wave, my arm doesn't wave back nearly as much as it used to.  I can see muscles in my thighs now.  But the scale hasn't budged at all.  I've thought back several times to the first few months after my mission.  I felt like I was so heavy when I got home (Though looking back I would kill to be that heavy again!) and started an aerobics class two days a week.  Within 2 months I had dropped all the weight I had gained on my mission.  What a difference 14 years and 4 kids makes!

I started a new diet 10 days ago, one that will hopefully give my metabolism the jump start it needs.  As part of this diet, I'm not eating any sugar (besides 2 servings of fruit a day) and no grains/starches for the next week.  I'm actually feeling pretty good while on it, and definitely recognizing the good changes I need to make long term for both my weight and my general health. 

At the moment, though, the restrictions of the diet are hard to explain to my children, especially without using the words "fat" or "diet" or "sometimes when I exercise certain parts of my body jiggle so much it hurts."

We were at dinner the other night.  I served a lot of veggies, oven baked fries for them, and turkey sloppy joes on fresh baked multigrain bread.  I just ate the meat, with no bread.

"Mom, why aren't you eating any bread?"
"Oh, I'm eating different food right now."
"Why?"
"Because I'm trying to be healthier."
"Isn't bread healthy?"
"Well yes, this bread is very healthy.  I'm just taking a break from eating bread right now."
"But why?"

It went around and around, and I couldn't answer their questions to their satisfaction, no matter now I tried.  I have always tried to emphasize being healthy over being thin with them, but they are still picking up on the "fat" thing.  I only hope that by continuing to make healthy choices for myself I can set the example they need. I need to be able to be louder than the world.

It might be starting to work.  Maggie just prayed that she would be able to eat all her dinner, even if she doesn't like it.